Why do I feel this way?
I’ve had to ask myself that question more times than I can count ever since I met you. Seeing you smile incites my happiness, but when you’re smiling around another guy I just feel envy. It’s funny how in life the safest can be the most dangerous; because those you love the most can cause you to feel so much hatred.
“When a man learns to love, he must bear the risk of hatred.”
I love it when you hold my hand and we talk about the stars, deep within it’s like I should just put you behind bars and have you for myself alone, but I won’t be right to covet your attention. ‘I appreciate you fondly,’ that’s the best expression my lips can muster. I can’t tell you I love you, because I don’t know what it means to you, I don’t want to unconsciously awaken that promise in your heart and then fall short of the standards you hold for it.
But there’s something I’m more afraid of, more than breaking your heart something stifles my thoughts when I mull over it and that is you breaking mine. It would be like standing before a firing squad and hearing the commander’s echoless cry; “Fire!” the blast of several guns, bullets rending my heart, and then, nothing more… never again would I see the light of day. Yes, I’m afraid that if my heart gets broken, never again would it yearn to be vulnerable.
Why do I feel this way?
Sometimes I ponder if it’s my hormones driving me or if I really want you. I don’t want ours to be the common story between boys and girls, I want something more, I want us to defy all odds, pass through the fire and come out as pure refined gold. I don’t believe relationships were ordained to go a certain way, I believe it depends upon the ones involved to create their own path, not follow others’ trails.
I perceive that this cry is from the deepest part of my heart, maybe that’s why my lips do not possess the understanding to effectively communicate it.
All they can do is ask “WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?”
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